Parental Discretion Advised

I don't even know where to start-- it has been a whirlwind two weeks! Last weekend I went to Dallas with my aunt to see the Chelsea Handler show-- really not my thing, but still fun. My aunt thinks she is really funny so I got us GREAT SEATS-- I mean we could have touched her, we would have gone to jail, but none-the-less we could have touched her (trust me, it's a good think Chewy wasn't there!). The main problem was I really have not had a drink in about 6 months because of medicine, but I decided that we know what causes the migraines and I was sick of waiting in line so 'eh what the hell lets down three martinis that were straight alcohol (these weren't your little bitch ass appletinis). By the time we got to our seats I was pretty blitzed. Show was great, I think. The encore is always better, as you know (she didn't give one but the parking lot was great). Well my aunt fell while trying to catch the driver (drinking and driving is BAD kids). My aunt is also 5'10" and she had on like 4 or 5 in hills (yes we went to Nordstrom's earlier, so my austerity program went out the window that day). I am laughing hysterically, not because I am drunk-- because I am not anymore-- but because it is freaking funny! PEOPLE FALLING IS FUNNY! She is throwing a hissy fit saying that I am annoying and embarassing. Really lady? I am embarassing? You were sitting in a bush... I fall all the time and I can laugh! Get over yourself. So long story short, she is sitting on the curb waiting for the driver again and I am 20 feet away from her (we can't be too close to each other in these states of mind ) sitting on the curb. I am minding my own business and this girl (whom is clearly drunk) starts rambling something to the extent of "sorry my sister is being anoyin' cuz she don't get out much cuz she got 4 kidz and she ain't got no sitter" I was like "that sucks"-- if you know me, I just say what I think, which is not always good. She asks, what sucks? I say-- kids so young. She puffs her chest out like a primitive beard and is like YOU BETTER NOT BE SAYIN' THAT. I was like I think I already did. She told me she was going to kick my ass if I came anywhere near them. I politely told them that my happy ass was right were it was and it will remain there and they are free to go wherever they would like and that the angry looking tall woman was my aunt and she was going to stay there. Five minutes goes by-- she comes up to me and asks "you got a ladder?" Now at this point I am thinking it took her five minutes to come up with a half ass attempt to make up some half witted joke about me digging myself into a hole. I reply "what"?! She repeats herself. I say "no, I do not have a ladder." She says "NO NOT A LADDER, A LADDER THAT IS HOW WE SAY IT IN EAST TEXAS WHERE WE LIGHT FARCRACKAS AND PLAY SOFFBAWL IN THA STREET." I then see that she is holding a cigarette and I respond with "No, I do not have a LIGHT-ER."

Other than that I will have to type later because that wore me out.